Trying to start a new

I really don't know what is going on , I feel lost more then ever. Change is what I want , but change for the better is becoming to be the hardest thing i've yet to getting used to . So many ways i wanna go back to being old me. The old me something that i fear every day , she can be every bit of mean,hurtful and stright up asshole. I finally became sane again to realize i can't control everything in life or anyones life.
I need to be true to my self and others.Yes,I speak my mind tell you how i feel,think, want...but in the end i still feel like its still not all of me .
I WANT TO BE SOMETHING MY SON CAN AND WILL BE PROUD OF!
If i can only stop getting my self into trouble, I must remind my self i can't live the crazy way i love to do ...I must clean up my act not just for my self but for my child too..