Getting back into it...

 Feeling a lot lately,  needing things from my past to stay in the past. Enjoy the wonderful things life has given me. Love is so ever changing. I don't mind the change either. Watching my children grow is something that I take great pleasure. Both beautiful souls ,hope I don't damage them so they know there is everything you ever wanted out there in this world!  Only you can stop you. 

Life after heart aches

 I just wanted to tell you,  how happy I am having you in my life.  You have really made all my dreams come true. You have always looked towards our future. Taking us higher than I could ever imagined. 9 years ago all I prayed for is that someone would love my child and me and treat us good. Welp I got that and so much more!  Thank you for loving us and showing me that even a broken person like me can be loved beyond measure 🖤

Feeling like this..

Why must i feel this way? why is everything getting to me? why can't i stop feeling like this? why do i feel like i can't trust women? Why can't i let go ? why can't let my self be happy? why do i stress the wrost? why do i want to cry until i can't cry no more? why don't i feel safe to say how i feel to my loved one? Why is it that this all i ever wanted yet i still feel like something is missing? Why why why why? I guess in time all my questions shall be answered ... Should it be now , later , or never...time will only tell..

just something I don't feel good with..

when you try so hard to make everyone happy ..it just seems like a endless of ungratefulness.. I work so hard day and night but sometimes it feels like no matter what i do is just not enough ... I understand i'm hardly home cause i have to work all the time ...but who else is gonna do it i feel so alone ..it just gets so tried some But i have to think of things shall and will get better i have to make it better for me ...if anyone will change my mood it has to start with me and my inner self and learn to LOVE MY SELF FIRST

It never seems right..

Why must i feel this way...? now i feel in the way holding you back ...but i know its all in my head i said i wont ever speak these words to you again..so i write to say how i feel.. sometimes this writing doesn't help ..but only hope cant help me out. I've got to learn to love my self as much as I love you. I've got to get off my ass to make my life better... I can't blame anyone but my self ..why i'm sad,lonely,depressed .. I do all this shit to my self! why can't I get that in my head! Why is it so hard t understand i'am only bringing my self down no one else can pick me off the floor but my self! Its days like these when i'm told something that hurts so much ..that has to get me to see i'm killing my own relationship.If I loved him so much why do i continue to keep hurting him. Yes i understand that I've been hurt . I wanna shake my self and say SO FUCKING WHAT! its done its over ..but why does it hunt me a like a bad fucking dream? The best i could do is work this issue out on my own I WILL NOT SHALL NOT LOSE HIM !

THINGS WILL CHANGE...ONLY IF YOU WANT TO..

The things will change only if you want to .. like the way you look at me makes me want to change my ways.. The way you hold me makes me want to change my ways The way you talk to me makes me what to open my heart fully to you.. You have made me see that i could and should be loved the right way , I'm more then a lay .. I'm someone you can lay with, to hold and talk too.. You showed me so much in so little time...and there is so much more for me to see and feel.. These days I hope will never disappear ...for i want you for ever...only if you want me the same way..

Reason are still the same..

As my mind still lingers with hate and dismay...
I think i will feel let down no matter what , my feelings change from day to day .The reasons for my killing of these men still bear the same meaning .
They are careless as such as i'm ..
I rarely see them nothing more then my toys to play with ..with their pain brings me joy ...
With each tear it gives me giggles...
I love this game we play I think your the only one that gets hurt...
but in the end its not as true as it seems my hands are getting cut up too..

hahahahahahahaha for your sake let it be quick and fast..for no one will find your body...as it lays in acid...burn baby burn...

Trying to start a new

I really don't know what is going on , I feel lost more then ever. Change is what I want , but change for the better is becoming to be the hardest thing i've yet to getting used to . So many ways i wanna go back to being old me. The old me something that i fear every day , she can be every bit of mean,hurtful and stright up asshole. I finally became sane again to realize i can't control everything in life or anyones life.
I need to be true to my self and others.Yes,I speak my mind tell you how i feel,think, want...but in the end i still feel like its still not all of me .
I WANT TO BE SOMETHING MY SON CAN AND WILL BE PROUD OF!
If i can only stop getting my self into trouble, I must remind my self i can't live the crazy way i love to do ...I must clean up my act not just for my self but for my child too..

Even tho the years have passed, the pain will always stay, the hurt in my eyes the tears of sorrow drip down my face. The feeling of losing a game I could never win.
So now I shall try to move on.
I fear you no more, all thats left is hate...
Hate that I allowed such thing to pass these eyes...
Well no more shall I be your slave..to saddness...only madness!

ive tried so hard to think twice before i pull this blade to your neck. which way should i graise me blade ...right to left or left to right... oh baby the possiablies of have your warm blood all over my face. The taste remains the same ..sweet and bitter..just like the way you lived your life. I trust you will never change. so actually i'm doing you a favor.. really doesnt seem like no one will miss your stupid face or stupid ways. oh well... here i go... oh god the beauty of it all... PsYcHo KiLLeR

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what, what, whats.... Going on what have i done .... i wish i didnt have to do this to you so soon... you seemed like a gas...But now your just a past... will you forgive me if i stab you in the heart... For every time you treated me like shit,for thinking i was less then nothing. dnt cry now you know that means nothing...to me... i pitty your stupidness... i'm much more then you'll ever see.. some day some way someone will treat me better and see me for who i really i'm.... A DARK BEAUTIFUL SOUL...

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you say the things that sound so sweet, the way you can fuck me is so bittier sweet. i wish it could play on repeat. Until the day when it all ends. we've gone to far,it was pushed into deep. Theres no going back.we've done what we've done. The blood starts to flow faster. He starts to scream...and finally yells,"what the fuck you crazy bitch!",i grab the knife from his side,"I thought you wanted to play?",with a confused look upon my face. He starts to shout again,"you fucking stabed me!",i craweled off of him onto my feet,with my back still toward him. With a simple reply," you said i could do what ever i want...", i pause with a jerk like voice," YOU SAID YOUR NOT A BITCH,BUT YOUR SURELY ACTING LIKE ONE!",.....TBC... PsYcHo KiLLeR

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oh that old feeling is coming back again,that one that hunts me the most.... the joy,satifation,exstacy..... of killing .... to see one suffer and cry out in pain.... to know that there only way out of my hands is through death... to cut you from ear to ear.... to feel your warm blood drip down my hands ..... why does this bring me such JOY..... this i could never explain... PsYcHo KiLLeR

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has the darkness over come me have i've gone to far this time? where shall my madness lead me... these hands are becoming something that i cant recall ,are they mine? this face i seen in the refliction,doesnt seem like my own... those eyes so cold with no soul behind them... i'm i willing to change these killing ways.... PsYcHo KiLLeR

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as i run throught the streets...my mind..searchs for a new victim.. do i just pick a random person? do i pick from whom i know? then comes the thoughts of how ,where ,and how long... how shall i kill my victim? so many ways .... where shall i end there life? i could bring them home,but thats a hell of a mess, back to theres...they'll never know whats coming next... how long shall i make them suffer? if they play along ,this can go on for days! That would be great... now that my mind has figured out what its wants and needs.. just wait and see ....what happens next ..... PsYcHo KiLLeR

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....your time has come to a bitter painful , yet exciting end... drag you slightly alive body back to my bed...you wimper in tears to let you live... i giggle ... why should i... what is your life purpuse... ......i see you dnt even know... tie you down for one last time...i hope you enjoy this ride... ....cause this face is the last you will ever see... for i'm judge ,jury,EXECUTIONER! PsYcHo KiLLeR

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i've been watching you for weeks, dosnt seem like anyone will miss you, i have to much in store for you.Its just a little pain,you can take it...or atleast will try. Oh i love that shocked face you gave me,when i pulled u away. dnt shake your head no.... really its just alil pain... may i film this ... you look so pretty when u cry.. with every jab,cut,slice.... it gives me chills of satisfaction... oh stop your screamin,i hate to have to sew your mouth shut... yes ,yes fight ,struggle... i love a good game of cat and mouse. so many things come to mind,but i must lock you back up i will torture you some more later,you seem fun to play with....;) PsYcHo KiLLeR

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lovely rain come my way , wash away whats on my blade, its neither here or there to explain whats has gone arry, but lets just say another lover slain...oh the beauty of ones body as they lay there lifeless...one can marvel for hours,at such a creation. PsYcHo KiLLeR

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The ruckus thats running a muck inside ones mind...

I can wish all i want , i can hope for better days , but these thoughts will never change my ways. I've realized its only me that make me happy...and to tell you the truth...i dnt see that in my near furture...i'm i destained to be alone for the rest of my life...when i try to trust i just cant seem to believe what they say...i wanna call them out..and scream at the top of my lungs...i did this so u can move on,ps i'm hurt that you cant see passed her, to see me...but i guess i mean nothing too..i need to realize that and get over my thinking i like u but i think that not being able to have you is what gets to me...and i bet if i did have you i wouldnt want you..and that would bore..me...

Dealing with what i can and still feeling that theres nothing right...

So is this how feelings work? I'm happy one minute and sad the next. I'm not pleased with this ! Why cant life be easy? Why do we play these childish games. I hate it, i dnt need it.... I want what i want now...sorry if my stright forwordness can be scary or,piss you off , or i dnt really care aslong as u speak the truth we can live a happy life! Is just so simple that this world takes forgranted!